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The Expert Debate: Is Hannah Storm Hot?

August 13, 2009 10 comments

T-Mike vs. The White Mamba

The Experts:  T-Mike  vs.  The White Mamba

The Subject: Is Hannah Storm, Sportscenter’s AM host and Josh Elliot counterpart, hot?  T-Mike will take the pro while The White Mamba takes the con.  Game on gentlemen.

The Background: The Storm, who joined ESPN in 2008, had a lengthy career before coming to the Worldwide Leader.  She was the first woman anchor to ever host CNN Sports Tonight in 1989, then went to NBC Sports until 2002 when she switched to CBS to host The Early Show.  She currently is the 19th ranked SCA, and falls into The Robert Flores-like trap of trying too hard to be funny during the show when she clearly is not funny.  She is nicer to look at than any of the other guys on SC like Josh Elliot or John Buccigross or Chris McKendry.  So, is The Storm hot or not?

Hannah StormT-Mike: Being that 99 percent of sports watchers are dudes (not based on historical data), sports programming took a step before the turn of this century when they added attractive sideline reporters to give us updates on news, injuries, and whatever else we needed. Anyone remember the days of Jill Arrington and Melissa Stark?

Where is the love for Hannah Storm? Sure, she’s not one of the best anchors, but she does a good enough job while providing the appropriate eye candy to the rest of us guys. How many of you realize that she finished third to Arrington and Stark respectively in the Playboy 2001 poll asking us who we wanted to see in the magazine (Arrington turned down the $1 million dollar offer from the Hef)?

Hannah Storm is a hot 47 year old PTA mom – and she only got hotter as time went on. She aged well like a fine wine. I can only hope that my (future) wife looks that good at that age. And yeah, I know she looks like she’s 75 pounds; better than being 75 pounds overweight like Holly Rowe. And she doesn’t look like she’s M. Night Shamalyan’s twin brother turned sex change (HELLLLLO CINDY BRUNSON!). My only gripe is that I’ve got to make sure Hannah quits removing the fabric from my grandmother’s couches and passing them off as her own wardrobe. Other than that, she’s the running mate to Erin Andrews presidency.

This one’s to you, Hannah. Keep up the hot mom look.

The White Mamba: “The camera adds 10 pounds.”  This is what you always here about people who are on TV.  Being on camera makes you look 10 pounds heavier than you actually are.  This would mean that Hannah Storm is pushing about 60 pounds soaking wet (and Sage Steele might actually just be a cardboard cut-out).  I’m sorry Hannah but there is no reason you can’t sneak into Chris Berman’s dressing room and take something off the buffet spread he makes his servants keep fully stocked.  There’s strike one.

hannah and erinStrike two: Hannah Storm is only hot relative to her environment.  Kind of like if she was in the army or the WNBA.  But just because I’m used to looking at Kevin Neghandi all day doesn’t mean I will have a tainted perception of how hot The Storm actually is.  She is 47 years old, she has really good posture (which can never be trusted), and she looks better now than she did when she was 30.  Strikes three, four, and five.  Put her in a lineup next to Erin Andrews, Rachel Nichols, Wendi Nix, Suzy Kolber, and Mike Greenberg and she would come in last everytime.  Unless you are into the whole Hillary Swank thing, I don’t find much reason to think The Storm is anything more than another female anchor.  Next to a goddess like EA, she disappears.  Next to Josh Elliot, she’s not half bad.  Unfortunately that’s not enough to claim “hot” status.  Sorry T-Mike, and sorry Hannah, but no dice.